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- u "— " — + 



SECOND BEST 



A Delightful One-act Play 
By Winifred M. David 



« 



PRICE 25 CENTS 

Copyright 1928 by Eldridge Entertainment House, Inc. 
Published by 

Eldridge Entertainment House, Inc. 

Franklin, Ohio, also Denver, Colo. 



?s& 



25 



7^Hz5f 

SECOND BEST 

CHARACTERS 

John Pritchard — Crusty, but lovable, bachelor of 

forty-five. 
Joan Dixon — His niece and ward. An attractive 

and vivacious girl of twenty, who is adept at 

handling her uncle. 

Dick Morley — A friend of Joan's. 

Mrs. Morley — Dick's mother and an old friend of 
John Pritchard's. 

Ted Allan — Joan's fiance. 
Maid. 

Time — the present. 

Place — any small town. 

Time of Playing — about one hour. 

SYNOPSIS 

John Pritchard, author and confirmed bachelor 
of forty-five, is devoted to his young niece, Joan 
Dixon, whom he has given a home and is bringing 
up. Although he is much interested in Dick's 
mother, a charming young widow, he is greatly dis- 
tressed because Dick appears to be very attentive 
to Joan. 

Joan is most adept in handling her uncle. She 
has her way, as usual, when Ted Allan, her fiancee, 
and Dick's friend, appears. 

Uncle John finds all his "fuming" about Dick was 
uncalled for — Dick had no intention of marrying 
Joan. After Joan wins his consent to marry 
Ted, he decides that he will marry the widow with 
whom he was "second best" some years ago, when 
she married Dick's father. 

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SECOND BEST 

Scene: John Pritchard's den — a room that 
would be the bane of a tidy housewife. At the left 
is a large desk littered with papers in frightful 
confusion, with a telephone on one corner of it. 
Before the desk is a swivel chair. Book-cases stand 
on either side of French windows at the rear — the 
books in them being placed higgledy-piggledy, some 
lying across the others, and with gaps as if books 
had been taken out and not replaced. Tivo or three 
chairs, large and with much-worn leather seats, are 
arranged with no idea of an artistic setting, looking 
as if they had been pushed aside. 

As the curtain rises, a maid, with huge feather 
duster is just attempting to straighten the papers 
on the desk. John Pritchard enters from a door 
at the right. 

John: For goodness' sake, girl, leave this room 
alone — don't start dusting and upsetting things, 
here. I shan't know where a thing is. Last week — 
now, where's the blotter? Didn't I tell you — 
bother you women, anyway. There's the blotter 
looking at you— can't you speak, girl ? Go and dust 
out the bird-cage — anything — but leave this room 
alone. 

Maid: I'm sorry, sir, I thought — 

John: Don't think — just do as I say. [Gathers 
up a few papers.] 

Maid: But, Mrs. Morley, sir — 
John: Well, what about Mrs. Morley? 
Maid : She's coming here this afternoon. 

John: What the deuce for? She knows how 
busy I am — I must get this finished. Tell her I 
can't see her. 

4 



Second Best 



Maid: You asked her to come, sir. 

John: Oh, did I? Whatever did I do that for? 
[Sits dotvn.] 

Maid : You didn't tell me, sir. 

John: Next time I do anything as foolish as 
that, just ask me at the time why I did it, so that 
you can tell me, understand? 

Maid: Yes, sir. [Withdraws.] 

John: How can a man work with all these in- 
terruptions! Where is that last page? Drat that 
girl, why can't she leave things alone? Ah, here 
we are! [Reads.'] "Jimmie, darling, do you mind 
— " [Looks puzzled.] Mind what? What in blazes 
was I going to put there? Why did I stop right 
there? "Jimmie, darling, do you mind — " 

Joan [bursting noisily into the room] : Uncle, 
darling, do you mind — 

John: Mind what, child? That's what I'm try- 
ing to remember. 

Joan : What, Uncle ? I haven't said it before — 
at least not today. 

John: Stupid girl! I'm trying to remember 
what I was going to write next. 

Joan: Oh, I see. I was going to say, "Do you 
mind if I take the car this afternoon?" 

John: "Jimmie, darling, do you mind if I take 
the car this afternoon?" — But that won't do, 
because they're sitting in the moonlight. How 
helpful you are! 

Joan: But, darling, I'm not trying to help you 
write your old story. I'm trying to get you to listen 
to me. [Turns his sivivel chair slightly around end 
seats herself on his desk facing him.] 

John: That's Chapter Ten you're sitting on, 
child — do be careful. 



6 Second Best 



Joan: Now, dearie, be a nice little uncle and 
forget all about your nasty story for two minutes. 

John: But, Joan — 

Joan: As I've been trying to say for an hour, 
"Do you mind if I take the car, as I've promised 
to meet Dick at the Golf Club at three o'clock?" 

John: What are you fooling about with that 
young blackguard for? 

Joan: Oh, Uncle, he's a dear in his way! 

John: His ways aren't mine, though, and I 
don't want them to be yours, either. 

Joan: Oh, bless it — it musn't get cross, now. 
Not over Dick, anyway — he doesn't deserve it. But 
may I take the car? Please. 

John: No, I don't think you may. I tell you, 
Joan, I don't like Dick. 

Joan: Why, you dear old silly? 

John: Now, don't "dear-old-silly" me. That 
means you always get your way. [Pause.} Oh, 
don't ask me why I don't like Dick — I don't know. 

Joan: But, duckie, that's absurd. You must 
have a reason. 

John [shouts'] : I don't know. Oh, take the car 
and let me work. 

Joan : You old darling, [kisses him] I knew you 
would. [Says this over her shoulder as she goes 
out.] 

John [to himself] : So did I. Peace once more. 
What a house! Where was I? [Reads.] "Jimmie, 
darling, do you mind if I take the car — " [Exasper- 
aledly.] Oh, no, no, no — "Jimmie, darling, do 
you mind — " If only I could remember! — "Jimmie, 
darling, do you mind if I break our engagement?" 
—That's it, at last— "Because I love Dick."— Dick 



Second Best 



be hanged. Besides she doesn't love Dick. But 
[thoughtfully] these young people nowadays, you 
never know. [Starts walking up and down.] Dear 
little Joan ! But I suppose she thinks she's grown 
up now — nearly twenty. Bother Joan! [Goes to 
table and tries to write.] 

Maid: Mrs. Morley, sir. [Unaware that she has 
entered, John does not look up.] 

John: Nuisance! Just when I've got down to 
business, again. Show — [Rises confusedly as he 
realizes he has been overheard.] 

Mrs. Morley: Now, John, don't apologize. 
[Shakes hands.] I know you meant every word 
of it. I love the truth at all costs — and I know you 
too well to let it bother me. After all, you did ask 
me to come, didn't you? 

John: So Susan told me. [Motions her to a 
chair.] 

Mrs. Morley: Your flattery is just as subtle as 
ever, John. [Laughs.] 

John: I'm hanged if I know what I asked you 
for, though. [Rubs back of head, as if in thought.] 

Mrs. Morley: John, John, you get worse and 
worse ! 

John: Well, I'm not in the habit of inviting 
strange ladies — [Sits near her.] 

Mrs. Morley: Strange, John? Do you call me 
a strange lady? 

John: No, I suppose not. How many years is 
it — Lila? [Hesitates before saying the name.] 

Mrs. Morley : Must be all of twenty-eight years. 
Dick's going on twenty-four. 

John: Is he? Thinking of settling down yet? 



8 Second Best 



Mrs. Morley: I suppose he will now, he's fin- 
ished Law School. He's going to hang out his 
shingle in the Fall. 

John: Here? 

Mrs. Morley : I hope so. 

John: So do L 

Mrs. Morley: Why? Whatever difference does 
it make to you? 

John [flushing guiltily'] : None — oh, none. It'll 
be nicer for you, though. I know how I'd feel if 
Joan went sky-rocketing off to the other end of the 
world. 

Mrs. Morley : You'll have to be prepared, John. 
You won't have her always. She's a very beautiful 
girl and is very attractive to men. 

John: Is she, by Jove? I haven't seen any 
young pups hanging round here, thank goodness! 

Mrs. Morley: My dear John, the house might 
be overrun with them, and you'd never know it. 
How could you be expected to, shut in this room 
from morning till night? 

John: Yes, but aren't they always noisy — al- 
ways playing — what is it — jazz, — always making 
general nuisances of themselves? 

Mrs. Morley: Of course not, John. They're 
all fond of fun and music and dancing, but they do 
have moments of sanity, you know. 

John : They must be very sane when they come 
here, then. But I must remember to ask Joan. 
That reminds me — she has gone out to meet Dick 
this afternoon. 

Mrs. Morley: Oh, that's news to me. I knew 
Dick had a game on at the Club, but he didn't say 
with whom. I might have suspected, though. 



Second Best 



John: What do you mean — suspected? 

Mrs. Morley: Well, John, since you are so de- 
lightfully blind and innocent, I might as well tell 
you that Dick is very fond of Joan, and, I think, 
when he has made a little headway in his profes- 
sion, he hopes to marry her. Of course, I can't 
speak for Joan. 

John : No, you can't, nor anyone else. She has 
to ask me first, and I'll say no, no, no, for years yet. 
She's only a child and no man's going to run off 
with her before she has a chance to make up her 
mind. 

Mrs. Morley : Of course, not — but if her mind's 
made up? 

John : I'll soon change it for her. We've had a 
few little tussles before now, but she generally 
listens to reason. 

Mrs. Morley : Oh, what about the car that you 
simply weren't going to get? 

John: Well — er — that's different. After she 
mentioned it, I realized what a time-saver it would 
be in running in to the city — as I frequently have 
to do. 

Mrs. Morley: And what about the dog? 

John: Oh, I'd been thinking of getting one for 
a long time — all these burglaries, and hold-ups, and 
things — so that Joan merely voiced my thoughts. 

Mrs. Morley: Well, John, if Joan mentions the 
fact that she is engaged some day soon, you can 
say you'd been thinking of that, too — now that I've 
told you. 

John: I won't have it, I tell you — I'll stop it. 
I won't have Joan playing about with any men — 
I won't have her flying over to the Golf Club — I 
won't let her go to dances ! [Pounds the arm of his 
chair. 1 



10 Second Best 



Mrs. Morley: Won't you, John? You have a 
wonderful opinion of your powers of prevention. 
Evidently your knowledge of women has not in- 
creased since that night — how long ago, John? — 
when you — when I — 

John [almost shouting] : When you broke our 
engagement ! 

Mrs. Morley: And you protested and shouted 
and bullied and said you'd make me change my 
mind. 

John : I had no right to say that, of course — but 
I have got the right with Joan. She's my ward — 
she's not even twenty-one — and she knows I only 
do things for her good. 

Mrs. Morley : All right, John — but if you come 
off second best again, don't say I didn't warn you. 

John: Good heavens, woman, haven't you been 
saying it to me all your life? Isn't that enough? 

Mrs. Morley : I didn't mean to be unkind, John 
— only to prepare you — to spare you. 

John [speaking more softly'] : I know that, Lila, 
and as such I appreciate it — but don't worry about 
Joan and me — we understand each other — she'll 
listen to me. [Sound of a motor.] Here she comes, 
now, like a whirlwind. I wonder why she's back 
so soon. [Goes to window.] How often have I told 
her to slow down before she turns in the driveway 
— she tears in at about forty miles an hour, and 
then stops dead — hard on the brakes and the engine. 

Joan [running into room followed by Dick] ; 
Here we are again, Uncle! Oh, good afternoon, 
Mrs. Morley. [Takes off her hat, throws it at a 
chair, which it misses, and arranges her hair.] 

Dick [shaking hands with John] : How do you 
do, sir. [Turns to his mother.] Well, Mother, 
weren't long, were we? 



Second Best 11 



Mrs. Morley: What happened — you can't have 
played one hole? 

Joan [sitting on edge of table] : No, we didn't. 
The lords of creation [Dick coughs sarcastically'] 
were playing in a match and it meant waiting for 
hours, so we decided to come home and play tennis 
instead. 

Mrs. Morley [rising] : I must be off, now. Are 
you coming, Dick? 

Dick : Yes, Mother. I want to get my racquet. 

Mrs. Morley: Good-bye, John. [To Joan.] 
Your Uncle and I have had such a nice chat, Joan. 
[Looks archly at John, who glowers.] 

Joan: What about? 

Mrs. Morley: Oh, everything. Good-bye, dear. 
[Kisses her. John goes to the door at the right with 
her, followed by Joan and Dick.] 

Dick: Toodle-oo, Joan. Be back in two shakes. 

Joan: All right. 

[Joan takes her Uncle's arm and says in a coax- 
ing tone] : Nunkey, dear — 

John: Nunkey! You know how I dislike that 
name. Makes me think of monkey. 

Joan: I think it just suits you — sort of cuddly. 
Now, just come and sit over here — I want to talk 
to you. [Pulls him to a chair, and sits on the arm 
of it.] 

John: This is ominous. What is it? 

Joan: Would you mind, very much, if I went 
away for the week-end? Alice Cummins is having 
a house-party at their summer home and she wants 
me to go. 

John: Any men going? 

Joan: Dick and — 



12 Second Best 



John: That settles it. I'm not going to have 
you tearing all over the countryside with these scat- 
terbrain youths. The first thing I know, you'll be 
upset in a ditch and you'll be brought home dead. 
I've read too much about these fast young men. I 
don't say Dick's the worst, but he's probably tarred 
with the same brush. No, Joan, I forbid you to go. 

Joan : Darling — what's got into you ? Why have 
you got such a grudge against Dick? He's the 
most harmless, steadiest boy you could meet. 

John : I don't care if he is — I forbid you to go. 

Joan : Nunkey, why are you so unfair ? I hard- 
ly ever leave you, and now, just for a measly week- 
end — [Gets off his chair]. 

John: That'll do, Joan, let's have no more dis- 
cussion. 

Joan : I believe Mrs. Morley has been filling you 
up with some nonsense about Dick. 

John : Nothing of the kind. 

Joan [searchingly] : Now, Uncle, are you sure? 
[Sits down.] 

John: Not, nonsense, anyway. She opened my 
eyes, a little. 

Joan : Oh, how nice — have you been a tiny kitten 
all your life? 

John : Don't be sarcastic, Joan. You know what 
I mean. 

Joan: I'm afraid I don't. 

John [gets up and wanders about] : What a 
plague you are when you like. She simply told me 
about you and Dick. 

Joan : So I gather — but what did she tell you? 

John: Oh, you know — that you and he — oh, 
bother, surely I don't have to say it in so many 
words ? 



Second Best 13 



Joan : No, dear, only a very few words, but do 
say it. 

John: Look here, Joan, I believe you're only 
doing this to be irritating. 

JOAN: Honestly I'm not, Uncle. But you're so 
— so — unlucid. All I've made out so far is that 
Dick and I are supposed to be involved in some 
deep, dark scheme, of which I am entirely innocent. 

John : I didn't say anything about a scheme. 

Joan : Well, that's what I have inferred. 

John: Joan, I won't be cross-examined by a 
child like you. You know very well what I'm talk- 
ing about, but if you want to be pig-headed, all 
right — I refuse to say another word. [Seats him* 
self at his desk again.] 

Joan: Very well, Uncle, I suppose I can phone 
and ask Mrs. Morley what it's all about. [Rises as 
if to go to the phone.] 

John [rising to prevent her] : You'll do nothing 
of the sort. 

Joan: Really, Uncle, I shall begin to think I'm 
accessory to a murder or something, soon. Now, 
I can't even use the phone. [Goes over to his desk 
and looks searchingly at him.] What's it all about, 
anyway ? 

John [not looking up] : If you must be told — 
you and Dick are getting much too friendly. You're 
only children, yet, and I'm not going to have you 
getting engaged to a penniless lawyer before you're 
out of your cradle. 

Joan: Well, dear, this baby has looked outside 
her cradle quite a bit and thinks penniless lawyers 
are rather nice. Is that all you have against Dick? 

John: He's bound to stay penniless — the Mor- 
leys never have had any gumption or initiative. 
What did Dick's father amount to? 



14 Second Best 



Joan : He captured Mrs. Morley anyway. [Smiles 
to herself.] 

John: After she'd been engaged to me! Ho 
was quite welcome to cast-offs. 

Joan: Oh, I thought you were the cast-off. I 
thought Mr. Morley just came and tucked her under 
his arm before your very eyes. He must have had 
some initiative. 

John: Just poaching. [Contemptuously.'] 

Joan: Well, I suppose Mrs. Morley had some 
say. She wouldn't have let him poach if — 

John: Joan, will you stop aggravating me? 
What has Mrs. Morley's past got to do with Dick, 
anyway ? 

Joan : Rather a lot, don't you think ? 

John [looking angrily at her] : Anyhow, it's 
quite beside the point. I still say you must stop 
flying about with Dick. When you marry, I want 
it to be someone more worthy of you than a Morley. 

Joan : I think Dick's quite worthy of me, Uncle. 
And if he were anyone else's son, you'd think so, too. 
Just because Cupid dealt you the losing hand, you're 
venting it out on Dick. 

John: You woman — that's just what you would 
say. It's nothing of the kind. 
Joan : What is it, then ? 

John: Joan [exasperatedly] , why will you keep 
up these eternal questions? Surely, it should be 
sufficient that I forbid you to see so much of Dick? 
[Dick's whistle is heard as he comes up the garden 
path.] 

Joan: Here he is now! 

Dick [entering at French windows] : Am I in- 
truding? 



Second Best 15 



Joan: Not a bit, old pal. Uncle and I have 
been having such an interesting discussion. 

Dick: Oh! 

Joan: And you've been the center of it. 

John: Good heavens, Joan — 

Joan: Well, hasn't he? [No answer."] Hasn't 
he? 

John [shouting] : Yes. 

Dick : May I know why it concerned me ? — I'm 
all curiosity. 

JOAN [rushing him into a chair and standing over 
him~\ : I regret to say, Mr. Richard Morley, that it 
has been observed that you have been paying too 
much attention to one fair damsel in this town — 
namely Miss Joan Dixon. [Looks slyly at her Uncle, 
who has lit his pipe and is puffing furiously.] As 
the said Miss Dixon is still in her infancy and 
quite unable to discriminate for herself, it is re- 
quested by a committee of one that you spend less 
time with her, lest, perchance, [John rises angrily 
and stalks out of the room] her fluttering heart 
may become captive while she is still in her cradle. 
[When John is out of earshot, Joan bursts out 
laughing and falls exhausted into a chair.] My 
dear, I've had such a scream of a time with Uncle 
— he thinks we are getting too fond of each other. 
Evidently, your Mother has said something, be- 
cause Uncle, who never notices anything, is quite 
excited and vows I mustn't see you. Wouldn't let 
me go to Alice Cummins' because you were going 
to be there. [The two burst out laughing, a,gain.] 
Isn't that too lovely? 

Dick: Well, old lady, I certainly make an effec- 
tive smoke screen. Perhaps Ted might object il 
he knew. 



16 Second Best 



Joan: Darling old Ted — not he. He knows 
you're too staunch a friend to run off with his girl. 

Dick: When are you going to tell your Uncle? 

Joan: I'm in no hurry. There's bound to be a 
doing, anyway, so I'm putting off the evil hour. 
[John and a stranger enter from the right.] 

John: This way, young man. Dick, here's 
somebody looking for you. 

Joan [aside] : Ted ! 

Dick [grasping Ted's hand] : Ted, old man, 
what a surprise! Awfully glad to see you. You 
remember Joan, don't you? 

Ted: Why, rath — oh, yes, how do you do, Miss 
Dixon? 

Dick: Mr. Pritchard, allow me to introduce an 
old friend of mine — Ted Allan. 

John [gruffly] : How do you do. 

Joan [recovering from her first surprise] : 
Won't you sit down, Mr. Allan? You and Dick 
don't want to burst into confidences right away, 
do you ? [All sit down, but Dick, who stands at the 
back.] 

Ted [meaningly to Joan] : I should say not ! I'd 
much rather talk to you. 

Dick : Why didn't you say you were coming, old 
sport? 

Ted: Didn't know myself till this morning. 
Your Mother looked as if she'd seen a ghost when 
I walked into your house a little while ago. She 
wanted to phone you, but I said I knew the way 
[looking at Joan] here, so I'd come over and get 
you. 

Joan: Awfully glad you did, Mr. Allan. Too 
bad you didn't come a little sooner and you would 



Second Best 17 



have found Uncle and me engaged in a most inter- 
esting discussion. Wouldn't he, Uncle? 

John: Am I never to hear the end of it? 

Ted: What was it all about? 

Joan: Me and marriage. 

Ted [showing great interest] : Oh ! 

John: Now, Joan, if there's going to be another 
recital, I'm going to be the reciter. 

Joan: All right, Uncle, I don't mind. [Winks 
at Dick, who walks over to French windows.] 

John: Well, Mr. What's-your-name, my niece 
and I hold different opinions on the age that young 
women are capable of knowing their own minds 
about love. She thinks at twenty she is at liberty 
to throw herself at the first empty-headed youth 
that pays her attention. [Ted looks uncomfortable. 
Dick turns round and grins.] 

Joan : Uncle ! 

Ted: I'm sure Miss Dixon is much too sensible 
to do anything like that. 

John: Huh! Is twenty ever sensible? 

Ted: In this case, I should think. But are you 
sure she has thrown herself at an empty-headed 
youth? 

John: She's going to do so, if I don't prevent 
it. 

Joan: Uncle, you're all wrong. 

Ted [wonder ingly] : Oh, a chap in the town? 

John: Of course. [Ted looks at Joan for an 
explanation.] 

Joan: Uncle, dear, you're quite mistaken — 

Dick [coming to front] : Well, sir, I'm sorry you 
think I'm empty-headed and that Joan is throwing 
herself away — 



18 Second Best 



Ted: You! You! Joan, is this right? Dick — 

[Joan shakes her head vehemently.'] 

Dick : I know I have nothing of a position, now, 
but I hope to have some day — and if I have some- 
one to work for — 

Ted [rising indignantly] : I insist on an explan- 
ation — I — sir ? — 

John : At last, there is someone to side with me. 
Mr. — er — I congratulate you on your good sense. 
You can see the folly of two people as young as 
Joan and Dick getting engaged, can't you? 

Ted [sadly] : Do they love each other? 

John : They think they do, I don't doubt. 

Ted: Then nothing anyone says will make any 
difference. But it's not right — [turning to Dick.] 
Dick — you — 

John : Of course, it isn't right — that's what I've 
been trying to make them see. Perhaps they'll 
listen to you. 

Ted: But, I mean it isn't right because Joan — 
I — we — [looks imploringly at Joan.] 

Dick : Anyway, Joan and I don't want to marry 
yet — not for a year or two — 

Ted : Marry ! You talk of marrying, you scoun- 
drel, while I — 

John: That's it, Mr. What's-your-name, give it 
to him — 

Joan: Oh, let's stop all this nonsense — 

Ted: I'm glad you think it's nonsense — I call it 
serious. 

Joan: Uncle, will you believe me when I tell 
you that Dick and I are not engaged — and not even 
in love — 



Second Best 19 



Ted: That's right, deny it now! 

John: Dick, do you ask me to believe that? 

Dick: You make it difficult for me, sir — 

Ted: He can't deny it — and I thought he was 
my best friend ! 

John: There you are, he doesn't deny it. 

Ted: Dick — I'll — [Walks menacingly towards 
Dick.] 

Joan: Ted — Mr. Allan — please don't, I can ex- 
plain. 

John: Explain? What do you mean — explain? 

Joan: Oh, nothing, Uncle — it's just that I don't 
want Mr. Allan to misunderstand Dick. 

John: Humph! Mr. Allan understands him 
only too well, the same as I do. 

Ted: Unfortunately, yes. 

Joan: Well, Uncle, if you're determined not to 
believe me, will it satisfy you if Dick and I agree 
not to see each other more than once a week? 

John: Now, you're more sensible. Do you 
agree, Dick? 

Dick: Yes, sir. 

John: And you can tell your mother when you 
go home that I'm not second best this time — she'll 
know what I mean. 

Ted : I appear to be the second best in this case. 

Joan: Ted, please — 

John: You? 

Ted: Yes. Even if Joan and Dick only meet 
once a week, how does that benefit me, if they still 
love each other ? 

Joan: Ted — we don't. 



20 Second Best 



John: But I don't understand — where do you 
come in? 

Ted: That's the point, I don't, apparently — I'm 
only the chief mourner. 

John: I wish you'd make yourself clear, young 
man. 

Ted: Well, sir, is it nothing to be engaged to a 
girl and then find you're not — that somebody else 
has stolen a march — 

John: Good heavens! Are you in love, too ! It 
must be an epidemic. Poor boy, I'm very sorry — I 
know what it means. Was she young, too? 

Ted : Twenty. 

John: I knew it — didn't I tell you — they don't 
know their minds. Is she someone in town? 

Ted : Yes— 

Joan : I'm the culprit. 

John: Joan! 

Joan: Yes, Uncle, it's true. Ted and I have 
been engaged since Christmas and still are, as far 
as I'm concerned. [She takes Ted's hand.] 

Ted: Joan, do you mean that? Then it isn't 
true — about Dick — 

John: Well — [rumples his hair agitatedly] 
well, I won't have it, d'ye understand. I forbid it 
— I won't have it. You're only a child. 

Joan : Silly old Nunkey — I shall be twenty-one 
next birthday and, child or not, I'm going to marry 
Ted next Christmas if I have to run away to do it. 
[Turns to Dick.] Dick, take Ted out in the garden 
to cool off after all this mix-up, while I explain to 
Uncle. [Dick and Ted Exeunt.] [To Uncle.] Now, 
be a nice Uncle, and come and sit down and I'll tell 
you all about it. 



Second Best 21 



John [raging up and down with Joan, trying to 
keep pace with her] : Such deception — my own 
niece! So Mr. — er — the scoundrel! You shan't 
marry him — hear me? — He's worse than Dick. So 
Dick was the blind, was he? 

Joan [dragging him by the arm] : Uncle, dear, 
do come and sit down — I can't explain anything, 
fuming about like this. 

John : I don't want to sit down — [She pulls him 
into the biggest arm-chair] — I won't listen to a 
word. [She sits on his knee, and leans her head 
on his shoulder and plays with the lapel of his coat.] 
Nothing you say can make me change my mind. 
I'm not going to listen. 

Joan: You see, Uncle, Ted, my fiance — 

John: Fiance! [Contemptuously.] 

Joan : Ted was staying with Dick all last Christ- 
mas holidays and I sort of saw quite a lot of him, 
one way and another — 

John: Did you? 

Joan: And I began to feel all sort of squiggly 
inside — did you ever feel squiggly inside? 

John : Squiggly ! What a question ! Of course 
not. 

Joan: Not even when you were engaged to 
Mrs. Morley? 

John : Er — don't be impertinent ! 

Joan : Anyhow, I soon realized this squigglmess 
meant I was — oh, terribly fond of Ted — much 
fonder than I had ever been of Dick, or Jack 
Hedges, or Edwin Dodge — and I have been pretty 
fond of each of them in my day — 

John: Your day! Good heavens! 



22 Second Best 



Joan: And, funny enough, Ted felt the same 
way about me, and so — well — there wasn't anything 
else to do was there, but become engaged, secretly, 
of course? Only Dick knew about it, and he was 
too good a sport to tell. 

John [indignantly] : I suppose I'm too poor a 
sport — 

Joan: No, darling, it was simply because I 
didn't want to upset you — I knew you'd go off the 
deep end whenever I told you, so what was the use 
of doing it months before it was necessary? 

John : What do you mean — go off the deep end? 
Speak English. 

Joan: You know — feel cut-up — make a fuss — 
which, of course, dear, [pats his face] is only nat- 
ural — I quite understand. 

John: Have I gone off the deep end? Have I 
made a fuss? 

Joan: Darling, you've been wonderful, and I'd 
have told you a long time ago if I'd known you'd 
have been so reasonable. 

John: Am I not generally reasonable? 

Joan : Yes, dear, but this is one time in a girl's 
life when uncles and fathers are sometimes inclined 
to be unreasonable. And I wasn't to know, was I? 

John: Of course not. 

Joan: But you've been splendid. [Thoughtfully.] 
I shall hate leaving you alone, though. You'll have 
to come and live with us. 

John : Uh ! No, thank you — an old crab among 
turtle-doves — never ! 

Joan [ivickedly] : You'd better marry Mrs. 
Morley then — I'm sure she'd be delighted. 

John: Wh-at? Don't be absurd, child. She's 
quite happy with Dick — 



Second Best 23 



Joan : She won't always have him, though. 

John [thoughtfully] : I must tell her that. 
That's what she said to me about you. 

Joan [getting off his knee] : Now, I must go 
and comfort poor old Ted. I shall tell him how 
wonderful you've been about everything. [Runs off 
stage, singing.] 

John [rises and drops into his chair at desk, 
resting his head on his hands, and muttering] : 
Wonderful! My little Joan— little Joan! [Blows 
nose violently and tries to write again. Reads.] 
"Jimmie, darling, do you mind if I break our en- 
gagement?" "Lila," he gasped, "Lila, what do you 
mean — I — you" — but, dash it all, the woman's 
name isn't Lila. It's — what is it? Lila's a pretty 
name, too. Lila! Lila! [Says the name over 
softly. Gazes into space. Then reaches for the 
telephone.] 2131— no, I said 1231, not 2131. What? 
I want 3121 — no, 1231 — oh, I don't know! [Bangs 
down receiver and looks savagely through the tele- 
phone book.] What is the matter with all these 
women — can't even give me a simple number. There 
— 3121, just what I said in the first place. [Takes 
down receiver, again.] Now, central, will you give 
me 3121, please? [Pause.] Mrs. Morley, please. 
[Pause.] Lila? I remember now, what I wanted 
you for this afternoon. May I come over and tell 
you this evening? What's the matter, did you say? 
I have a squiggly feeling. [Pause.] Of course you 
don't. Never mind, I'll explain, tonight. 



Curtain 



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Twenty-five years of selection from our own 
line and other good publishers. 



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If it isn't right (it almost always is) our cus- 
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3* Intelligent Answers to Inquiries 

No slip'shod impersonal attention but care^ 
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All of our customers know this is our strong 
point. Local conditions, both in our own 
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rare. We carry a large stock, not just sample 
copies. 

This is an invitation to join our satisfied customers. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

INCORPORATED 

Franklin, Ohio, also 922 S. Ogden St., Denver, Colorado 

£36] 



New Stunts 

and 

Novel Entertainments 



MODERN "MELLER DRAMMER." 

Pantomimed reading' 35c 

IN THE STUBBLEVILLE DEPOT. 

Semi-musical sketch for males 25c 

MADAME'S HAT SHOP. 

Sketch for 8 girls 25c 

THE TOREDEAR AND THE COWVALIER. 

Burlesque. 3 m.; 3 w 35c 

THE KLASS AND FAKULTEE. 

Musical stunt 25c 

SCHOOL SPIRIT. 

Pep-meeting sketch. 3 girls 25c 

GWENDOLYN'S GETAWAY. 

Shadowgraph. 4 m., 2 w 35c 

THE "HI" FLYERS. 

Musical sketch. 3 characters and chorus 50c 

THE WHITE ELEPHANT SALE. 

Novelty for church. 3 m., 5 w 25c 

"The House That Helps" 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

INCORPORATED 

Franklin, Ohio, also 922 S. Ogden St., Denver, Colorado 

! SO 1 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

016 102 936 1 



The Best New Royalty Plays 




Ducks. 



By Harriett Connell. Three-act Western 
comedy-drama lor 6 m., 4 w. Of the 
many plays read and reviewed, we liked "Ducks" 
about the best. Marilou Drury, after her father's 
death, manages the ranch, assisted by Terry, the 
foreman, Samantha, the housekeeper, Doc Marshall, 
veterinarian, Heine, the chore-boy, and cowboys. 
Dallas Gibson from the east makes her an offer for 
the farm and as she is losing- money is inclined to 
accept it but Terry dissuades her, and they decide 
to raise ducks. Peggy, a college chum, drops in and 
livens things up. A wrecked airplane, with the pilot 
brought to the ranch for recovery, adds the element 
of mystery. Real dramatic situations ensue when; 
Gibson kidnaps Marilou in an attempt to force her 
to sign the deed. Samantha captures Gibson, Terry 
is wounded in rescuing Marilou, Jarvis recovers and 
remembers that he is commissioned to offer a hand- 
some sum for the ranch as it is valuable oil land. 
He falls for Peggy; Terry and Marilou are not in- 
different to each other and even Samantha finally melts a little toward Doc. 
Heine is left to tend the "Ducks." Parts well balanced and this play will 
prove a winner. Plays whole evening. Easy setting. Royalty $10, each 
succeeding performance $5. Director's guide furnished free with every cast 
purchased. Price 35c. 

A comedy mirth-quake in 3 acts 
by Eugene Hafer, author of Cy- 
clone Sally, Welcome Home, Jimmy, and others. 5 
m., 7 f. One interior. Plays full evening. We un- 
hesitatingly recommend this as one of the most 
laughable comedies of the year. Rapid action, up- 
roarious comedy, and a plot that mounts to a tre- 
mendous climax are its main ingredients. The char- 
acters are delightfully humorous. There are Charlie 
Mitchell, energetic Larry, and peppery Sam Streck 
who arrive in Orchard Center with the unchivalrous 
purpose of squelching Sonny-Jane; charming and 
independent Sonny-Jane, who objects to being 
squelched; Pansy, slowest hired girl in the world: 
Joe Martin, who doesn't intend to be a yokel all his 
life; coy Lucille; blunt Peggy; troublesome Ruby; 
snappy Nancy Wade; Freddie Beadle, the "shriek" 
of Orchard Center; and Mrs. Spitsendorf who has 
had "such poor luck mit husbands" but is willing 
to take another chance on unwilling Sam. Royalty 

for first performance $10; $5 for each performance thereafter. Directors 
guide free with each cast purchased. Price 35c. 

An unusual 3-act play, by Editr. R. McComas. 4 m., 
6 w., also minor characters. Plays about l%--hrs. One 
easy interior of a modern home. Cisserilla, the beautiful daughter of Mr. 
and Mrs. Simpkins, is very poetical and artistic in her tastes, and does not 
return the love of Jack Bradford, a practical young miller of the town, 
does, however, consider very favorably Dr. Slovinsky, 
on account of his pleasing manners and his 



Sonny-Jane. 




Brass Tacks. 



She 
the villain of the play, 
•tistic tastes. Slovinsky takes 
advantage of this friendship and the fact that he is Mr?. Simpkin's physi- 
cian, and secretes Mr. Simpkin's will and other valuable papers, including 
receipts for a mortgage on the home, which he holds. At Mr. Simpkin's 
sudden death, he deceives the family and uses his knowledge to his own 
advantage. Interesting complications develop and are unravelled by Cis- 
serilla discovering the will and papers, shaking off poetry and Slovinsky, 
getting down to "Brass Tacks," proving herself competent to take care of 
her father's business and finally marrying the hero. Jack Bradford. Comedy 
is introduced by Bridget, the Irish maid. Good class, play or for any drama- 
tic club. Royalty $10 for each performance. $5 each additional. Director's 
guide for this play given with each cast purchased. Price 35c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

INCORPORATED 

Franklin, Ohio, also 922 S. Ogden St., Denver, Colorado 

[211 



